Juhu, das Weihnachten ist da! Alienated from your German family and hoping to "Geschenk" your way back into their good graces? Look no farther than our 2017 guide to German gifts! These are 1001% available on the internet for various fees, we guarantee it! Happy Einkaufen!
12€/100g - wendemarinade.de
It's been marinating since 1961 and now it's finally ready -- a massive Cold War-themed roast of Sauerbraten, complete with radar tower Kartoffelklöse and red cabbage graffiti art.
2. Thirty Years' War "Carnage" Puzzle
32,50€ - gruselpuzzles.at
What really caused the Thirty Years' War? Muse over this and other "puzzles" of history as you recreate the aftermath of The Battle of Nördlingen in all it's gory glory! (Not suitable for children under 87 years of age.)
3. "BLUTWURST DOCTOR" PLAY SET
55€ - Available at Fleishspielzeuge.de
"Oh no, se Blutwurst is krank! What shall ve do?" The perfect gift for your budding carnivorous doctor-child -- a massive link of fresh blutwurst, complete with its own skeleton, circulation, and digestion system, all so your little ones can learn about the body and its many systems! And when they're done... mmm, snacktime!
10€ / bottle - Available at Ekligegetraenke.de
Traditional mulled holiday wine with a twist: it's crawling with glowing Lampyris noctiluca! Light your night up at any Christmas Market, and get drunk as well! Totally not disgusting, we promise.
5. "GERMAN BASIC LAW" HOLIDAY JUMPER
35€ - Available at Langweiligemode.de
Ooh, snuggly! Cozy up to the fire with a hot mug of Grog and enjoy brushing up on the German federal constitution! Available in original and "revised" version for the AfD voter on your shopping list.
6. A FREE HOUR OF SLACK-LINING AT THE COLOGNE CATHDERAL!
45€/hr - heiligeschwerkraft.de
Don't look down, it's Karneval! Have a hippie-tastic time "'lining" over one of Europe's magnificent cathedrals. Dodge those tourists and win Christmas bonus points if you smoke a joint in front of the Gerhard Richter window!
7. GÜNTHER GRASS'S "TIN DRUM" ELECTRONIC DRUM SET
125€/hr - blechtrommelprofi.de
An electronic drum set based on the Nobel Prize-winning work of German literature! Drive your neighbours absolut verrückt with this set's special sharp tin "annoyance" setting. Recommended for people with rhythm, i.e. no one in Germany.
8. RESERVATIONS AT RICARDO VILLALOBOS' "MINIMA" FAMILY BANQUET HALL
100-500€ depending on DJ - fffffffff.de
Berlin's famous Minimal Techno DJ and producer presents an alternative take on the traditional family holiday buffet with this Mitte-based Berlin restaurant where diners are asked to choose from a selection of one single entreé. This month's special: compressed lamprey with locally-sourced garbage tartar. (Spaces limited to 6 seats/month, reserve at least 25 years in advance. White shirts only. Richie Hawtin fans will be poisoned upon owner request.)
9. MARTIN SCHULZ'S SPD PLAYSET
35€ - Available at sozialdemokratischespielzeuge.de
Will he form a coalition with the CDU and the Green Party? Will he go it alone to form the opposition? And what does he stand for, really? No one really knows! Keep it vague this Christmas with this delightful playset, fun for the whole family. Sit and stare at the castle and wait for something to happen. We guarantee, nothing will.
10. Tatorthodontist: Season 4 on DVD
5€ - Available at ARD.de/mediathek/tatorthodonist
Season 4 of Germany's hot new Sunday night crime drama, starring Johannes Kieferorthopäde and Axel-Uwe Zahnspange as two strung-out detectives who perform major dental surgery in their spare time. Episodes this season include "The Man in Bielefeld Who Had Celery Stuck Between His Molars", "Boy in Erfurt Embarrassed by the Color of the Rubber Bands in His Braces," "Hamburg, Hookers, and Headgear." (Season 4 directed by Wibke Wurzelkanalbohrer-Schmidt.)
Paul Salamone is a stand-up comedian, writer and designer living in Berlin, Germany. Subscribe to his Newsletter for major announcements including new videos, big gigs, tours, and merch!